When I got appendicitis in 2020, I was given anesthesia because they had to do surgery to remove it. The surgery was not a fun process. (Let alone being alone through it all! Covid restrictions....) I knew it was going to be a few intense weeks while I regained my strength. What I didn't realize was that the anesthesia would live in my body for almost a year. During that time I developed horrible hormonal acne. It was the worst process trying to address the root of the problem while living in pain and embarrassment from the blemishes on my face. Needless to say the whole thing was a very humbling process.
Why do I bring this up?
Much like how we want a speedy physical recovery, so we want a speedy emotional and spiritual recovery. If you're in the process of estrangement and grief, it's completely normal to want to fast track the messy bits. After all, who wants to stay in this discomfort forever? But if we're not careful, we can put false timeline expectations on our healing.
We tend to think something is wrong with us because we're not "getting over it" quick enough. "I thought I already dealt with this? Why is this emotion coming back up again?"
I'm here to set the record straight.
There is no rushing the process no matter how much we try. In order to give ourselves grace, we need to take a step back. I think it's helpful to scale back and get a bird's eye view on situations. Most of the time we can't see the forest through the trees. We're so entrenched in our hurt that it's difficult making sense of all the pain we're experiencing. There is a time and place for sitting in pain and not rushing through it.
This process helps us identify root causes. We can keep treating the symptoms all we want but eventually the real issue catches up to us. So instead of numbing your pain, allow yourself to turn the volume up. Pain screams loudly telling us that something is wrong. Pain itself isn't wrong. It's a warning system for our soul. A warning that something is off. Imagine if we couldn't feel anything with our hands? If we went to touch a hot stove, we wouldn't be able to feel it and we would walk away with third-degree burns.
God is so gracious to allow us to feel pain. He allows us to feel the agony of a broken world because if we didn't we would think this is the best that He has to offer. Now, I'm not advocating for living in pain all the time. I don't think it's healthy to seek out pain. But don't allow yourself to become numb to it for too long. Numbness helps us survive but it doesn't help us thrive.
Estrangement is a process. Grief is a process. It's a slow work that requires our attention if we want to walk away whole and not bitter. But I get it. It's overwhelming. So many thoughts and stories come to mind. Emotions rise up that can't even be define- only groaned. But let's break up the timeline a little bit so you can have clarity about what you're experiencing.
The first year is the hardest and most tender time to go through grief. Emotions are fresh. But this is also a vital time where you are most open to learning what God has to tell you. Just as there are four seasons (if you live in the Northeast), there are seasons to the grief.
Every new experience without that relationship will be an opportunity to grow bitter or heal.
But both require you walking through pain.
Expect this process to take 2-3 times longer than you originally anticipated. And if it takes even longer than that, lean into it.
The experiences of grief are shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. You may have seen these written as steps but grief is not tame. It's important to understand what you will experience but don't give yourself a due date. Grief and estrangement is a loss. All loss must be felt and processed in order to grow.
Trauma- physical, emotional, mental- leaves an impact on our body. Just like when you get into a car accident. You won't feel the whiplash until the next day or even the day after. Your body is bracing you for impact. It's protecting your vital organs. When we realize how trauma is stored in our body, it makes sense why the process might take longer than we realized. The amygdala, the portion of your brain for processing emotions and trauma, experiences the trauma through the five senses.
When processing your pain, it might be helpful to use scents, or familiar items associated with your grief, to help you process it. We can do as much mental work as possible and know all the Bible verses, but it's amazing how God gave us ways to use our hands with healing.
Maybe the person you love enjoyed a favorite cookie? Take uninterrupted time to make it. Pause with the emotions that come. Keep a journal next to you to write down your thoughts and emotions as you make something symbolic. Remind yourself that it's okay that you're in pain and that you are not in danger. It might feel like it but that is your stress response speaking. Use your senses to ground you every time an intense emotion or thought occurs.
And give yourself grace. Grace upon grace.
Take the timeline you had and throw it out the window. Allow your faith to deepen as you ask God to walk with you through the hurt. Trust that He can see what you cannot. And that He has called you to live. Not just live but live abundantly.
Praying for you friend.
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