Do you have a hard time drawing the line between forgiveness and enablement? If that's you, you're not alone. There is a strong pressure to forgive someone to the point where we don't set clear expectations and guidelines. There is also the opposite where we walk away hardened and bitter. Obviously we don't want to be stone-cold but we also don't want to be walked over either.
So where do we draw that line?
Without knowing the exact context of your relational experience, it's hard to say. But that's why we rely on the Holy Spirit. He directs us and gives us what we need to live wise and holy lives. That being said, here are a few thoughts.
Cutting off someone just because they "offended" you isn't a sign of a mature person. Mature people will always try to address the root of the problem head on. (Although it may not be easy.) The Bible wants us to "win back" others and not to let any stumbling blocks (unnecessary obstacles) get in the way of being reunited with each other. That's not to say we work at whatever cost to repair the relationship. There are times when we need to draw very clear lines. Especially if the behavior keeps offending again and again without remorse. There is a scale of how impactful the behavior is, but after time, it can cause separation.
Let's look at lying for instance. The moment we lie, we break trust with that person. If they forgive us and we lie again, it continues to break down relational walls. Eventually it will get to a point where we will no longer be believed and people will hold us at an arms length.
Forgiveness is another important characteristic of maturity, but so is wisdom. To forgive someone doesn't mean that you can always allow them back into your life. I think as a church, we enable a person's behavior because they are "forgiven" but that type of forgiveness cheapens grace. Forgiveness without acknowledgement of consequences will continue to allow the person to sin. We can't fully understand what Jesus did for us if we don't acknowledge where sin takes us. Otherwise we'll keep sinning.
We undermine the biblical act of repentance. Repentance is the only thing that can begin to repair the relationship. Repentance isn't saying "woe is me" and crawling on the ground. Repentance is admitting where the actions have taken us. It assesses the damage that is done. It doesn't cover it up or excuse it away. It doesn't demean.
How do you know if they are truly sorry? Their actions will show it. I mean actions in a long-term sense. People will soften at the slightest gift offering. But for someone to be truly sorry, their life will reflect it. We can become whole again with God in an instant because God knows our heart. Humans don't.
Humans only know what they see. So to take a chance, after being constantly hurt, is a big risk to take. I'm not saying that it isn't required at times. But part of having wisdom can look like being a skeptic. Time will tell.
What is the takeaway?
Forgiveness without true repentance cheapen grace. Humans need proof of a changed heart in changed behavior. This process takes time.
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