We don't talk about it but there are a large number of people currently in an estranged relationship. BBC reported 1 in 4 people Americans are estranged. That's over 25% of the population! Estrangement is a difficult thing to encounter. For a number of reason we have to put space between our relationship. But as a follow of Jesus where does that leave us? Since, after all, we are supposed to practice forgiveness and mercy.
Choosing Forgiveness
There is a narrative in the church that has misunderstood the definition of forgiveness.
That narrative is that forgiveness equals reconciliation. (Meaning you and I have a relationship again.) While we hope that our relationships could one day be repaired, Christians who choose to estrange themselves are often outcasts in the church. What does following Jesus look like when you have to balance forgiveness and justice?
For me, that was a personally difficult road I had to walk down. In 2017, my parents divorce forced me to look at the unhealthy family dynamic that I had always known.
When you become a Christian, it doesn’t mean that things will automatically work correctly when it comes to relationships. But there is this lie that says “I’m a Christian, so I must be healthy.”
Unfortunately, knowing a lot of Bible verses isn’t a good indication that you are indeed a healthy person. While there is room for people to be wrong, there comes a point where we have to make a decision if we are going to continue to allow that person into our lives or if we are going to love them from a distance.
The decision I made to put distance between was the hardest one I’ve had to make so far in life. But it didn’t come without a lot of prayer and guidance and truth. As a Christian, I am told to be forgiving. There are many amazing stories of forgiveness but I think that they are limited to what forgiveness can look like on a spectrum.
Very often, what I had in my mind and you might have in yours, is that forgiveness looks like reconciliation.
But I think that definition doesn’t fully comprehend to forgiveness. The Lord forgave us while we were sinners but that didn’t automatically mean that we were in a relationship with God. We had to we choose to accept the forgiveness or walk away.
For me, I have come to understand forgiveness as keeping the door open.
While I state my case of why I was wronged, I keep in mind how much I have offended God. And the same forgiveness God gave to me, I must extend to others- no matter how much they have hurt me. It’s a difficult practice in the life of a Christian. But forgiveness is what keeps us from becoming cynical and bitter and ultimately robbing us from what the Lord desires us to have.
What does keeping an open door look like? It's different for every person but for me, an open door was being willing to be open to having a relationship again. It was saying, "God deal with you as He has dealt with me." It was not dwelling on thoughts of bitterness and anger. Yes, I could feel a certain way. But I wasn't going to live there. I wasn't going to allow myself to be robbed of the freedom Jesus came to give me.
Healthy Boundaries
But at what point do I keep the space between us? Since we are supposed to forgive, how does that connect with also being wise?
When someone is constantly offending you (being manipulative, gossiping, deceitful, etc.,) without showing a difference in their behavior, then it’s fair to put space between until that person comes to understanding their wrong doing. For some reason, we have this understanding that we are supposed to just lie down and take whatever a person brings. But to what purpose?
Jesus, our great example, took the beating because He knew Sunday was coming. He knew that the pain was temporary. He had a bigger vision in mind. But I think that in the church, as much as we want to look like Jesus, we actually perpetuate cycles of abuse when we refuse to see our value as an image-bearer of God.
Yes, we must examine our hearts through prayer, the Bible and wise counsel, to make sure that we aren’t just being offended over nothing. But we need to ask God for wisdom between love and enablement. The Lord corrects those He loves.
Putting up a boundary isn't only a form of self-protection but of love. It's saying "This is the the line of offense, you have crossed it and we cannot be in relationship until that is repaired.".
Boundaries are not holding grudges, although we need to guard against that. It's a form of wisdom. Even Jesus said not cast your pearls before swine. Depending on that person's understanding of God will depend on the line that is drawn.
If the person that is offending you is not saved, then there will be a different level of judgment because truly they are blinded by their sin and don’t know better. They cannot do better until they come to accept who Jesus is and that He came to redeem them.
But for the person that is the Christian, that is a different standard. Someone who is a Christian, has the Holy Spirit living inside of them and still chooses to act in an ungodly way, is going to have a different expectation.
For me, the person I was dealing with claimed to be a Christian. Claimed to know the Bible but still continued to be manipulative and slanderous and controlling. Words can be a starting point for forgiveness. "I've wronged you." But actions are what show if you are truly repentant. When this person kept repeating the cycle- wrong doing, "found God", went to church, spiritual behavior, comfortable, wrong doing- the limit was reached. Yes, they were presented with what they did wrong. Yes, they offered flowery words. But no, their behavior didn't change and it kept damaging the relationship that was hanging on by a thread. So I had to do one of the hardest things and walk away.
It was very tempting to be high and mighty, knowing that I was the one wronged. But the pain of that distance, kept me grounded. If we correct a person, it shouldn't be our of self-righteousness that speaks. The Bible says that we are to correct someone in a form of gentleness. That doesn't mean we're excusing the behavior, rather we are catching our heart because we can easily be just as hypocritical.
Speak Truth
To create distance between you and another person should never come easily. If it does then we have not understood the Bible and what it says about restoring. We are blinded by hurt and pain and pride when it’s an easy decision to put distance.
The choice might be crystal clear but it should cause us pain
to make it. Why?
Because we are all made in the image of God. We are meant to live in harmony with each other. God's heart breaks when we are out of sync with Him and with others.
To be a Christian means that our hearts beat for what His heart beats. And that includes praying for forgiveness and hopefully reconciliation.
That being said, it might be tempting to hide what's happening as a because of shame or pride or self-protection.
The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. Some people can read that verse and think that it means we hide the wrong doing. But really what that means is that we love someone in spite of the flaws. To cover someone’s sin is like the father putting on his coat for the prodigal son. It was no secret that the son disowned his father. It was no secret that he was living in sin and had fallen. The son was covered in filth and pig poop when he came back home. But the father took off his coat and covered him. The father didn’t ignore the behavior, but he loved his son through the behavior. Even if that meant letting the son go and make sinful choices. The whole town knew what had happened. Otherwise there wouldn't have been a big party when he returned. Use wisdom in whom you share your story, but know that the sin and shame isn't yours to bear. Sin thrives in secrecy.
We shouldn’t seek to shame another person who has wronged us. Our hope is that they will turn around and come back. But we still need to speak the truth- even if it’s just to ourselves.
One of the hardest things leading up to my separation was acknowledging that the behavior was wrong. It was not covering it up any more because of fear or shame. It was hard speaking out when everyone wanted me to stay silent. But eventually you reach a crossroad and decide whether you’ve had enough or not.
What now?
To choose separation is filled with so much nuance. There are so many factors that go into deciding to create space and it looks different for everyone. It’s also different based on the level of offense. But every choice to separate should be made from a place of love and wisdom. I pray that God guides you on your journey and gives you the strength to walk it out. Hopefully a peak into my journey will fill you with courage and warning. It's tempting to walk into bitterness and self-righteousness. But leave room for God to do something. I wish my story ended with a triumphant reunion. I didn't get the happy ending in the Christian movie. But I got something better- I experienced Jesus. I learned what it meant to live out the scriptures. I saw what His heart and intentions are for us. And ultimately I saw His love through tear-stained pillows.
Wherever your story lies, moment by moment, may you become more and more like Jesus too.
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