We all want friends. But not just friends- good friends. Being a good friend looks cloudy these days. Today it looks a lot like sharing content and liking pictures more than sitting in the hard stuff. But I get it. The hard stuff... is hard. Straight up not a good time. But if we want someone who will be there when it's tough then we need to learn how to be there. We are not going to always get it right when the crap hits the fan. After all, everyone is trying to dodge the flying poop that's going everywhere. But part of being a good friend is being there when the days are hard.
There is a difference between someone who has gone through grief versus someone who hasn't. If someone hasn't gone through a tragic loss, there is almost an uneasiness in approaching the one who has.
A ,"What do I say? What do I do?" thought stunts us in being able to help our friends. Grief is awkward and if you don't know how to walk through it, it can make you afraid of supporting others. Rest assured, I'm not here to give you a hard time. I'm here to help you help your friend.
Something to keep in mind is that everyone is different when it comes to grief. Some people want solitude and quiet while others want to talk and be around people. Neither is "right" or "wrong" and sometimes the needs change on a daily basis. Your friend who is walking through grief doesn't always know what they need. But one thing is for certain, when all the fanfare of ceremony quiets down, that's when your friend needs you the most. (Meaning after the funeral and other ceremonies.)
Those are the moments when grief starts to sink in. The finality that the person they love isn't coming back. The everyday living (if it was a parent, spouse or child) is different and new normal is created. Those are going to be hard times. And they are going to require inconvenience. It's okay to live your life but being a good friend is remembering to check in. Being a good friend requires self-sacrifice.
Below I've listed a few ways that you can help your friend :
-Be there: If you're in person, stop by. (Bringing food helps with unexpected visitors), text your friend even if it's something as simple as a "Hey <3".
If you need to set reminders in your phone, do that. It doesn't make your friendship inauthentic. Rather, it guards against forgetfulness and even apathy. I understand that you might not know what to say or even do. Perhaps it's even triggering for you to be around your friend. Real friendships require awkward and honest conversations. Real friendships blunder through miscommunication and sit with the discomfort. It might be hard for you to know how to be there for your friend. Ask God to reveal to you what they might need from your presence. Do they need encouragement? Hope? A distraction? Or do they just need company? Not doing anything because you're afraid of accidently offending isn't love. Being a friend during grief requires bravery.
-Send gifts: In this modern age of Door Dash and Telaflora, sending a little something goes a long way. Do they have a favorite food? Are they feeling sad? Sending a little bit of ice cream never hurt nobody. Plants are a great gift to send. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. A simple bouquet of daisies can help cheer a hurting soul. If they have Venmo or Cash App, monetary gifts go a long way too. Death is expensive and the last thing a person needs to worry about is money when trying to process. To some people that might seem tacky and do your best to judge the situation but what is done will be remembered and go a long way.
-Remember Important dates: the first year of someone's death is going to be the hardest because it's the year of firsts. First birthday, first thanksgiving, first Christmas. On those days, doing a check in just saying "Thinking of you" can go a long way. People grieving remember those who did reach out and they remember those who were silent. I know life is busy for you. I'm not here to be mean. I just need to remind you as much as I need to remind myself that taking the time to remember not only goes a long way with our friend but also deepens our compassion.
A few more practical things:
-bring a meal
-send resources for a counselor/therapist
-watch children (if they have kids)
-clean their kitchen/living room/bathroom etc.,
-send a card in the mail
-give them some oils
-make a memory gift (A kind friend gave my mother wind chimes with my brother's name etched in it after he died)
-give books on grieving
-pick them up and take them somewhere (a botanical garden, bookstore, smoothie shop, etc., somewhere that's naturally quiet or doesn't get a lot of foot traffic)
-send chocolate (I wanted chocolate so badly one day and someone sent chocolate covered strawberries. Unexpected and completely thoughtful.)
What are some ways someone has helped you while grieving?
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