When I was 16, I thought that the only way I was going to be able to get a husband was by being a good Christian girl.
My mindset and the messages I was receiving told me that I was only worthy if my actions were "good". So I worked hard to align with other's expectations. I tried not to upset unspoken rules and prayed that I would be rescued from my circumstances via husband.
I didn't get married until almost 10 years later...
Over the course of those formative years, I faced a lot of romantic rejection. This rejection solidified the rejection I already felt from my father. (Although I didn't want to admit that.) The layers of Christian culture, emotional hurt and a desire to serve God were all mixed together into this very stressed and insecure girl.
While I had a very tough outward appearance, I so desperately wanted to be approved and noticed. This mainly translated into the desire for romantic relationships. However, I also see how it spilled out into work or ministry or friendships too.
Looking back, I thank God that He allowed me to experience so much rejection in the romance world. If I had been accepted by someone prior to meeting my husband, I would have let that be my sole focus in life. My relationship with my husband would have been a good idol. It would have been under the disguise of being a good wife. While the desire the be a good wife isn't inherently wrong, the question would have been why....
Those rejections made me wrestle with the "why". It forced me to examine my heart and motivations. The emotional pain I was wrestling with had to come to the surface without a relationship covering it up. The rejections uncovered the idol. And a husband faulty idol.
This world is going to offer idols that cover up or redirect our attention away from the wounds that we feel. Whether it's in the form of a relationship, career, or some type of busy work, idols sap our strength and draw our attention away from what truly matters?
In my desire to be good and approved by God (and hopefully by a man too), I equated my love for God with the things that I did. Going to church, reading my Bible, being in ministry, were things I offered to God for Him to approve of me just enough to have a husband. I desperately wanted to serve God, but I also wanted the pain of my heart to be gone too. I thought I could kill two birds with one stone.
But God doesn't not approve of a divided loyalty. He knows how detrimental that is to your soul. The rejections I experienced were a pruning that God was doing. My consistent rejection from my dad and the expectations he had that I didn't meet left deep wounds on my soul. These wounds weren't healing right. It was making my life out of joint. The surface showed a Godly girl who was doing all the right things. But the inner person was a wounded child who needed the love of her Father.
I was already approved by God. I didn't need to do anything to earn His love. In fact, His love is what allowed the constant rejections to occur. His love taught me that I don't need to be anything other than myself. I didn't know it was God's love at the time.
I just knew that I needed to address the core issues. My problem was that I didn't accept/realize how deep those issues ran. I worked my whole life to not be labeled as the "problem child". My experience was that I was the prodigal son's brother. He did all the right things. Never asked for more than what was appropriate. But even he needed to accept the love and approval of his father.
Here's the thing:
You're not always going to feel like God loves you or approves of you. Often times our own hurt is what blocks us from experiencing God fully. We hide our hurts from Him. We cover them up with idols of relationship, pride or busyness. Some people will go a whole lifetime and not be made whole. They will walk around with exposed wounds and pretend it's not there.
Don't let that be your case. Ask the Lord to reveal the hidden hurts that even you have forgotten in your attempt to survive. Let Him tend to those wounds and re-break bones that were set in the wrong place.
Healing is hard, but it's worth it.
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