It's been almost five months since my world was flipped upside down. The emotional, mental and physical processing has been hard but good.
I find myself in a much better position over all because I intentionally took time off to manage with the stress and aftermath of losing both my father and brother within five days. Some of the hardest parts for me has been when my mind will play flashbacks of that awful week.
A few weeks ago, I got officially diagnosed with PTSD. I'm grateful for the diagnosis because it helps me not diminish what I've experienced. I tend to downplay hard situations as a form of survival. I've done this my whole life, partly because I also don't want to appear weak. Thankfully, the Lord has taught me that weakness isn't something to fear but to embrace. It shows me just who God is.
I've been able to make peace with the situation fairly quickly. (If that can even be measured?) I believe it's because God hasn't allowed me to run from hard questions, and we have established a long history of trust, that I find myself being able to walk alongside the aching. I know that God isn't cruel or mean. That question doesn't come to mind. I know that suffering stems from sin ultimately. I also know that following Jesus isn't a walk in the park. The heartache isn't surprising as much as it has shocked my system. I believe those three understandings/beliefs, have helped me "walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil...".
Yet I want to be extremely clear in case someone thinks "Oh she's just a super Christian.", that I haven't walked away without scars that will last me for a lifetime. I can keep walking with my head up because I trust God, but I don't put pressure on myself to project the "faith girl".
You know, the one that tells you that you just need to read your bible more when you're wrestling with questions. The one who says "I'll pray for you", when you come crying over a situation. The one who always seems to have it together....
Friend, I don't have it together. I'm just honest with my faith. I'm not trying to have the perfect answers. I still wrestle with the ache and pain. But I've seen too much of God's goodness and power to question Him anymore. That doesn't mean I don't have doubts or have my world collapse before me.
In fact, even taking the time off was a step of faith. I ended up taking three months off. It was only supposed to be a month, but God knew I needed more time. That whole time was unpaid. It wasn't the original plan. But God had a different idea. Even in the middle of grief, He was still stripping me of my control. To many people would see that as cruel and unusual.
But actually, that was the kindest thing He could have done. If I was relying on an income the way I thought that I would, I wouldn't have had my marriage grow so much stronger! I wouldn't have reached out and began building community. If things went according to my plans, I wouldn't have gone through so much heartache. I wouldn't have had my character refined and my attitude softened.
I'm stubborn. I openly admit that. I thought that most of that had been worked out. Yet, God continued to reveal to me the areas that needed extra grace and kindness.
There's so much that you don't know that I had to submit to God over and over again. Maybe one day I'll share more.
But I want you to know that just because someone has strong faith, doesn't mean they don't have hurt and aches. In fact, it's probably a guarantee that they've went through hell and back, and God was still good.
The devil will always make you doubt God's goodness. Because if you doubt that, then why not just do your own thing? Why not seek pleasure and numbing agents?
Friend, God is good. That might be hard to proclaim. It might even be unbelievable. But do it anyways. God sees.
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