There is a wisdom in learning how to forgive without enabling behavior.
In learning to forgive, sometimes we hold our pain so close that it becomes a weapon to avoid getting hurt again.
Adding in the layers of church culture, social media wisdom, and the everyday living can be confusing on what it actually looks like to forgive. How bad does the offense have to be before punishment can occur? How unredeemable is a situation before drawing a line in the sand? Bring in Christian culture about how we have to constantly forgive. Then we cover shameful behavior that's covered that was meant to be brought to light.
The truth is no matter who you turn to for advice, there will always be someone upset with how you chose to respond to the hurt you experienced. So the question becomes, "What is the right response and who says that it's right?"
This is where the work of the Holy Spirit comes into play.
God promised us that we would have a mighty counselor. We need one because most hurts have a similar landscape but the details are different. We need a counselor to guide us in the gray areas of forgiveness. How do I respond when it's my spouse? Friend? Neighbor? Parent? Church leader?
And even then my relationship will look different depending on my age, my gender, even my race. How do I navigate the nuances for every situation? How do I respond in that conflict?
The answers you're looking for, navigating the lines between forgiveness and bitterness, are found in learning to listen to the Holy Spirit.
I could list five signs to look for (and maybe I might) but only God knows your heart. You could read them and think it won't apply to you. If you want to find freedom, then you need to listen.
Certainly don't neglect the Godly wise voices in your life. That's one way God teaches you. Just make sure to give His voice center stage.
Be honest with Him in your struggle. Call a spade a spade. Admit openly what your feelings are. Stop sugar coating.
God wants us to be honest before Him. He doesn't want us hiding behind flowery words. He doesn't want us to pretend that we're okay. It's human to hurt and be hurtful.
I find when I don't know where to begin, I need to pray. Pray not what I think my pastor wants to hear. Rather, pray honestly. Openly.
A prayer like this might be helpful for you:
"Lord I don't know what forgiveness looks like in this situation. Soften my heart. Remind me of grace. Give me wisdom and the courage to make hard choices in the face of my critics. Help me to see things for what they truly are. Don't let me put on a spiritual façade or pretend it doesn't exist. Keep my close to Your heart. Show me who You are in the midst of this brokenness and help me to lean in close."
We won't always get it right. Yet, God honors our hearts. He knows our humanity. He knows how easy it is to fall into bitterness. He knows the nuance of forgiveness.
As a Christian, our responsibility isn't to fall on what we know but on who God is. It's to lean on the Holy Spirit for guidance. It's learning to be dependent on Him.
Forgiveness is a choice and a process. Every time the opportunity to get bitter comes up is an opportunity to forgive. It's an opportunity to not allow the pain to define you. It's an opportunity for you to walk through it knowing that God is with you. Forgiveness isn't a 12 step process. Forgiveness is walking with God. Allow Him to guide you through the tricky and messiness of forgiveness. Let Him clean you when you fall in the mud. Keep walking with Him. His ways are better than bitter.
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