Estrangement means to put space between a relationship. It's never done under easy circumstances. If you find yourself in the position of wondering if it's the right choice for you, here are three things to consider:
1) Be forgiving
As Christians we are called to live our lives remembering the grace and mercy we have received. Forgiveness mean that I am not going to hold your sin against you anymore. (It doesn't mean that I won't hold you accountable.) If you're going to choose estrangement, make sure you aren't replaying that person's sin over and over in your mind. Stop find ways to get mad and hurt- it's only going to damage you. Forgiveness does mean that you want to try to keep an open door as much as possible.
2) Boundaries
We are not called to be walked over. Injustice will happen- yes. But there is a fine line between forgiveness and enabling behavior. Before I speak more about boundaries, I want to make very clear your worth. You were designed by God Himself before you were born. Every single human being was made in His image. We were designed to live in harmony with Him. We have so much value because of the value that He has placed on us and the price Jesus paid for us. When we allow ourselves to be mistreated that diminishes the value that God has told us we have. Having clear boundaries actually speaks volumes to belief we have in Christ.
When someone is constantly offending again and again and again without changing his or her behavior, we need to draw a line in the sand. Once we realize someone is manipulating us, then we are allowing ourselves to be manipulated. That doesn't honor the price Jesus paid for us. If the person offending has no idea they are offending, that falls on us. In having a conversation regarding boundaries, we need to keep in mind that they might not know what they are doing is wrong. Yet, if they do know it is wrong, then it is up to us to confront this behavior. If they still want to continue to mistreat then...
3) Speak Truth
If we have humbled ourselves before God. Examined our hearts to see if there is any wrong that we have done, and drawn clear lines of what is acceptable behavior; and they still don't want to forgive or repent, then you have to place them in the hands of God. You have to call your relationship for what it is. Yes it will be painful. But God cannot heal what you do not name.
If that person is being manipulative and controlling, and you are done being a willing participant in it, then call it for what it is. Defining a behavior doesn't mean that you are labeling a person. It means you are setting up clear expectations. If someone is being manipulative, you call them out on it and they continue to be that way, then you know that you can't have honest and open conversations with them. Their sin is blocking that. Until we are willing to repent and move towards repairing the wrongs, then your relationship will only go so far. Pretending otherwise is just damaging to you and also to the other person. We are not called to enable behavior but to call it out in the light of the Cross.
It's never an easy road deciding estrangement. It must be done with a lot of self-examination, scripture and counselors. We have to be brave enough to confront sinful behavior. We must learn to acknowledge our value in Christ. And above all, we must work very hard to keep an open and soft heart. After all, what good is it to proclaim to be like Jesus and yet be filled with hatred and bitterness?
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